Dhakkans at work !!!

1. RR alias AD alias Jalal Agha alias Saand..
Takes 3 days to burn a dvd. When confronted, says " What can i do "..
Yes you can do a lot of things. Stand in the reception with your big belly and ogle at Mehbooba.
Giggle at your own sex jokes which nobody else can understand.

2. Gabbar alias APM..

The lap sitter. Doesnt understand basic body language. He beleives in "Perseverance Pays". Also beleives " If she says No, it means a yes". Highly appreciates people in every email. Wishes people 5 times a day even though he sits in the next cubicle.

3. Bandi alias Bipasha alias Rituporno alias Samba..

Sits like a bloody hog all day talking to his bong brethren. Considers himself the ultimate IT whizkid. The Nilekeni of the east. Has this uncanny ability to overhear surrounding conversations while mouthing bong bhasha on the phone. Has all the traits of the sepcies Rodenta.

4. MM alias Dhanno alias Disco Shanti..

Humpstress in heat. Forgets to get her laptop to office. Makes amatory sounds on the phone. Goes on 10 day official tours to Bangkok. Blabbers about trynning and roosters whenever she aint making out on the phone.

5. Volde alias Joker alias Thakur alias Kumar (aka Gaandu, Chutiya, Harami, Madarchodh, Behanchodh etc)..

Can seamlessly be identified with any Gaali you know. A man who suspects everybody and everything. Tinks and Dinks are his only objects of desire.

6. Gattu (Not worth an alias)..

The Dengue Dweller. The Mr. India. Now you see him now you dont. His whereabouts are a mystery which nobody has succeeded in unravelling. He is the blustering bully who habitually badgers smaller people through doors and in meeting rooms.

7. Curler alias Bastard..

The tail cutter. The Tantrik who has this strange resemblance to child molesters. Thrives on gossip. The History sheeter ( Can narrate sheets of office history). Tries to show his manliness by threatening women.

8. KK alias Kaalia..

Curlers sidekick. The guy who is not too keen on a US visit. Bloody Hell, Iam sure you already bought a new undie for the US trip. The unsurpassable dud. A mentally deficient person.

9. Coco alias Spy

He is the Manmada Rasa. The Oily Adonis. Thinks of himself as the Cool dude. Makes his wife send flowers and a card to office with Malayalam translated in english odes written on it.

Shattered Hopes !!!

A corollary to my previous posting : " My boss, a leader in reckoning"..

Rhonda says " Desire whole heartedly what you want and the Universe will conspire to help you get it "..Sorry Rhonda..it didnt work for Mr. Kumar.

Kumar lived in a fantasy for the last 3 months. He enacted every facet of a leader he thought he could be. The threats, the aggression, the politics, the networking. He in fact decided on a successor to the throne he was going to vacate. All his hopes shattered a few days back. An unknown entity in the industry was offered the coveted place.

It was like the Mukhiya of a village in unrest aspiring to be the PM. They say the biggies didnt think he was ready yet.

Behaviours changed overnight. You insulted your successor for his incapability to deliver a simple Elevator pitch. You decide to entertain your old time sub ordinates whom you had harassed for the last 3 months. You flirt with the same Gunny whom you had told to search for another assignment. You talk to me about a trip to Nagarahole and basking on Mary Jane. You discuss massages with jerks like Bandi and Gabbar.

Am I happy or not ? I maybe happy as you used me for all your initial interview presentations and then suddenly decided that a curler is more beneficial to you.
I maybe sad as you will continue to be the Mukhiya for time unknown..

Comfortably Numb

"Hello.

Is there anybody in there? 

Just nod if you can hear me.

Is there anyone home? 

Come on, now.

I hear youre feeling down.

Well I can ease your pain,

Get you on your feet again.

Relax.

I need some information first.

Just the basic facts:

Can you show me where it hurts? 

There is no pain, you are receding.

A distant ships smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.

When I was a child I had a fever.

My hands felt just like two balloons.

Now I got that feeling once again.

I cant explain, you would not understand.

This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb."

Was this what we needed to shake us out of our reverie ? A recession.

A Gunny who had a care a damn attitude cries in office. Is willing to forego her attitude and seek help from lesser mortals like us.

Ex colleagues taunt me for having stuck on for so long. I feel like I have been sitting at the same desk for perpetuity. 

Where has the zeal gone ? Why am i not fighting with myself ? 

This is not how Iam.....or have i become comfortably numb..

Surviving our bosses !!!

What a bizarre situation to be in.. Some of us stuck with a boss who wont do anything and some with one who cant do anything ( All pun intended !!)..

Unfortunately life aint easy for people like us who are at the very bottom of the pit. Some tips on surviving our bosses and their mental thinness...

1. Get some facetime with the boss

I can hear the groaning but what i mean is quality face time. Get hold of some gossip on the contours of a bell curve for one kind of boss or the crc error our fault management tool generates when run on a Windows 2003 server environment for another kind of boss.

If you just aren’t that creative, seek help from other coworkers like me..

2. Contribute something to the conversation

Whenever you are in a meeting, add something to the discussion. It doesn’t have to be mindblowingly impressive. Just something to let everyone know you are participating. This is particularly important when your bosses is in the room.(Coco, Coco, Coco). Buy a tennis racquet or get branded as a non interested person if you dont do the above.

BTW.. heard there is a scheme on every dunlop tennis racquet..you get 4 balls free.

3. Don’t say anything stupid

So now you’re contributing. That’s great. Just don’t overdo it. Don’t interrupt when others are speaking, and don’t talk too much. And above all, don’t say anything that makes you look like a moron.(Pitroda, Pitroda, Pitroda). 

Think before you speak. Never repeat your statments. If Peter has said it, Repeater need not say it again.

4. Show up early

This one’s realy difficult, especially for 9AM meetings.Why should you get there 

early? Because nobody else is going to and it’s an easy way to get good face time as in point no.1. 

And if your boss isnt in, make sure to send or reply to an email right when you get there. 

At least someone will know you were there early. Bosses will know you care and colleagues will think you care more than they do. If you get a promotion ( dream on), everyone will think you deserve it.

5. Wish everybody

Here’s where some of the salesmanship really takes over. You want people to like you. Even if you really don’t care about them, it will help your career path. Say hello to everyone you see. And say their name. “Good morning, Curler.”"Good morning KK". "Good morning Gabbar"...aaargghhh. I take back my words. Do it to selective people who really matter.

Bat your eyelids while saying hello , gives a personal touch. Need tuitions from Gunny..

6. Laugh, but not too much

This is the next step in getting to know your coworkers. When you’re in the pantry, joke around a little. Laugh and have fun. But always cut it short.  Any more than a minute or two and you’re goofing off. Unless you want a Gabbar sitting on your lap or licking ur fingers dry.

And never share jokes and laugh with people of the other tribe in meetings. You will be accused of sharing savithabhabhi photos from your mobile.

7. Dress well

Dress better than your peers. This is very easy for some of us.

The cliche is to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Great idea, but you don’t necessarily have to wear a suit or a brown blazer to work for your boss to think you have leadership potential.(Peter / Repeater, Peter / Repeater, Peter / Repeater).  Just make an effort to look different and its really easy.

8. Walk fast and carry something

Walk at Mach 3 when you are passing by your boss's cabin..So even if he calls out your name you are far far away. Always carry something in your hand. Like a notepad or a paper. Never be seen around your boss's cabin with a pack of cigarettes  and a Zippo in your hand. A review on customer satisfaction surveys is destined for you.

9. Send emails during off hours

I’m not suggesting you pretend to be a hard worker. Think of it as a mail replying competition with your boss, See who holds on for long.

The winner gets to walk with a swagger and an arrogant frown on his face the next day at office. Blood red eyes are a common side effect as the competition normally ends at 3 AM.

10. Tell them what you want

So now you’re making a good impression. You’re an intelligent hard worker who goes above and beyond. You are no more a tennis player and you are no more being shown how close the doors are.

Now its time to tell the bosses what you want. Schedule a 30 minute meeting with your superior to discuss you career path and your goals.

There could be two outcomes of this discussion.

A sudden drift in yourself to commit suicide by banging your head against the glass panes covering their tables or an insane rage to destroy all living beings on earth.

Relax...get back to your seat...starting working on point 1 again..