The Art of Licking

The age-old practice of ass kissing was rewarded yet again yesterday with the promotion of Coco the creep, a longtime sweet-talker known for his tenacity and perseverance in the ass kissing field. His lack of original ideas and relentless flattery of superiors could not hold him back. He is living proof that fawning yes-men do succeed in this world. He is known to co-workers for his absurdly transparent insincerity in social relations and his incredibly irritating habit of busybodying around the office without ever doing anything.
I whole heartedly understand the vexation of my only friend who reads this blog. Hence i have taken upon a task to teach you the art of licking. Not that iam an expert but have a lot more experience than you in watching how lickers operate.
Some pointers..
1. The first step in learning to kiss ass effectively is to get rid of the bad taste in your mouth that comes just from thinking about it. If you're disgusted by what you're doing, you'll never be able to do it well. After all, most people like having their ass kissed, as long as the one doing the kissing is good at it.
2. You can never become a top-notch ass kisser unless you genuinely like people. How does one go about learning to like people? Part of it is realizing that, whether you like it or not, you're a lot like everyone else on this planet. You feel the same emotions, make the same mistakes, and have the same desire for people to love you anyway. Another part is teaching yourself to see the good side of people. Work at it long enough, and you can find something you genuinely like about anyone, even if it's only their talent for making you hate them.
3. Learning the fine art of licking is like every other skill. It takes practice. The masters of the craft dedicate years to it, honing their skills of observation and delivery. I recommend practicing on your friends. Me for instance, am morally obligated to like you, no matter what you do. Try throwing out a compliment every now and again. Once i get over the shock, i'll probably appreciate it, and you'll get valuable practice.
4. None of those benefits will directly make you more money, but indirectly, they can add up to significant increases in your value to everyone around you. As your value increases, you'll also have more "ammunition" when you ask for a promotion or a bonus or a change in role.
These pointers are not specific to the present work environment. They should be used lavishly across every facet of your life.
Coming back to Coco. Neither can you do the talk like him nor can you do the walk like him. It would be utterly painful for you to carry a jackfruit in your delicate hands. You dont have a daughter who can sing. So what do you do ?
The only thought that comes to my mind....
"Run Papa Run"...